Conversations...

Becky was up from VA and we got together for breakfast this morning. We had such an incredible visit. I love our friendship, it doesn't really matter how much time seems to go by between visits we are always friends. I can honestly say that we have one of those friendship that only come once in a life time (apart from your mate of course) the kind that God just seems to grow and sustain no matter what is happening in ou rlives.
The last few times she has been up were a bit of a waste, our visits were kind of awkward...I think mostly in part due to my serious sleep deprivation and survival mode-ness. When I'm tired and overwhelmed I tend to not be very good at sharing my heart. Or even carrying on an normal conversation...ALso having a squrimy baby in my arms tends to be distracting!! I left Riley at home with her Daddy and we sat at Panera's and sipped our tea/coffee and talked. makes sense.

Anyway we were talking about Attachment Parenting... How big it is. I mean how it's got the basic "7 Baby B's" but it's so much more than that. At the same time really all it is, at the root of it, is knowing and listening to you child.

We were talking about discipline, she was sharing some things God's been showing her about how she wants to raise her future children...Things she wants to do differently than her parents (haha Beck I hope you don't mind me sharing all this!). And I was sharing my viewpoint on it as well. The main thing we were talking about was spanking. Pretty much the conversation came down to how does it fit? WHen you've nurtured a strong attachment with your child where does corpral punishment fit in? The rest of this post is just me trying to organize my thoughts.
First off, I believe when you build a strong attachment with your child, pouring into them and consistantly meeting their needs, there is a lot of trust involved. And also a strong desire from the child to please the parent. Secondly I think that spanking can be over done. And I think that the only ages it's really appropiate is between the ages of 2-4 (5 and 6 depending on the childs personality...Dr. Dobson also agrees with me here, or more I agree with him). My Mom and I were talking about this as well and she said "When a 2 year old runs out into the street they need a physical reminder that that is dangerous." Maybe so... But I think it also depends on the child and their sensitiivity. I just think about some thing Matt Chandler shared about his 3 year old daughter she ran out into the street and he ran after her, he was so scared he was almost crying... Because he and his daughter were connected/attached she saw that fear and she started crying immediately... He told her how dangerous what she did and to NEVER EVER EVER do it again. The next day they were playing in the yard and her ball went out into the street, she immediately started crying because her ball was "gone forever" because she knew she couldn't go and get it. He was able to teach her a vaulable lesson about God through this situation (which I wont' go through at the moment).
I'm not saying we won't spank. I know we will. But I want to be sensitive to each individual child. Discipline can't be across the board "what worked for one works for all" mentality. It has to be geared to each specifici childs needs. And especially if some thing we are doing isn't changing a behavior we need to rethink our approach, try some thing else. Not just keep plugging away expecting for it to "eventually stick".

My parents spanked, but it was only for certain things. Lying and blatant disobedience resulted in a spanking, no and if or buts about it. But they were still a rare occurence in our household and I think Mom and Dad tried to be sensitive to each childs induvidual needs. The girls got it a lot easier I think, and I was a really sensitive kid and spankings were a big deal for me (practically, in my mind, the end of the world), they always tried to be as loving as possible. And I always got lots of cuddles and time to talk after one had to be had. I can only remember maybe 3 spankings I got from my Dad and maybe 3 or 4 from Mom.
I appreciated how they handled it. I mean no parent is perfect, I remember situations that could have been handled better (mostly with the boys). But that was mostly because of the way Dad was raised and he had higher expectations of his sons, especially when it came to how Mom was treated and respected.

So as we still have time to sort through this, I wanted to add... That bottom line our kids need to know what is expected from them. But on the flipside we need to look at where they are at developmentally not "project" our adult thinking into their little child minds... Not assume that every thing they do is to be disobedient. We need to give them structure and be consistent, let them know what will happen when they step outside the limits we ahve placed.
I like what Dr. Dobson points out in "The New Strong Willed Child"- You have to have a sense of humor. We won't be perfect parents, I am sure we'll make mistakes, but I want to do things differently from the start... I want to teach my little ones that God isn't a God of check lists and "measuring up" but a God who made rules because He loves us so much. In the midst of that I want to use my God given intuition and the Holy SPirits guidance and I raise my children.
Most importantly I want to listen to them. I want to, whenever possible work with them.
I don't agree with every thing in this aricle but I think he makes some valid points (and Dr. Dobson mentions some of the same things).

The oldest Dr. Sears (a few of his sons went into pediatrics as well) and his wife Martha had 8 children...I also think they may be Christians...They wrote The Baby Book which has a ton of awesome pro-attachment parenting info.
This is his 10 Ten Discipline Principles